sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
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Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.