Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
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turning my gender off to conserve energy
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro