Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
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Monday?
No. Next question.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Skills
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
set yourself free xox
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.