In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
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Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Oh my God.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Meowchelangelo
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95