I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
You Might Also Like
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.