I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
You Might Also Like
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
buys donuts instead
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’