My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
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Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.