me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
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It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN