Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
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I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Sing it!
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken