[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
You Might Also Like
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition