When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
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My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
english majors be like furthermore