[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
You Might Also Like
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
🍞🦆
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while