2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
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I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Bike is short for Bichael.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.