People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.