phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
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“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.