Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
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gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.