I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
You Might Also Like
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Realize this:
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.