The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.