don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
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9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
When libraries troll their patrons.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
When you don’t understand how floors work
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
me
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.