My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
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Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I’m good, thanks.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?