Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
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No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one