When my kids ask me anything before coffee
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My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
car not found
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…