SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
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Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
wishing you and yours all the best
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I鈥檓 gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 馃槶馃槶
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you鈥檙e eating?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 馃檪
noah: you did WHAT
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
People buying plungers never look happy.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Doctor: You鈥檝e got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What鈥檚 this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You鈥檝e got shingles, too.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.