People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
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In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Running from your problems is cardio .
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Nothing.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.