I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
At least he brought enough for everyone
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.