I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
#parenting
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.