Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
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My teenage children choosing violence
RT if you know someone like this!!!
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
May have had one breakfast too many
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
so much to do
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.