Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
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Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.