after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
We’re all getting idioter.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.