The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
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I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Boating season is upon us.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
What a website
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.