Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
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(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Good morning y’all ☀️
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Traveler’s camo
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.