My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
You Might Also Like
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
This is my cat’s medicine.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.