Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk