When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
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In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
This a good idea
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.