A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.