Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
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Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Oh, I bet you would be
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job