A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
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If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
it’s the silliest best thing
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.