I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
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If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.