[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
#JohnTravolta
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her