Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
what it’s like dating me:
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin