just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”