Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
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*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Everything reminds me of my ex
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.