Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
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Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Feel. He’s so soft.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.