Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
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A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect