NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
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You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Good Morning.