Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
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As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
😅😅😅
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.