If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.