I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
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Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*