can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
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COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”