The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
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Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’